armando pérez!

surprise! for the girl i knew only as the non-relative with the same last name as me, the girl in my ninth grade choir class,

on a cotton candy background, lowercase (put “Self Control” on in the background maybe):

regan, you were Paris. you showed us the core of your soul and built our community with each comment, let us expose ours

your ideas always made me want to plagiarize you in the best way possible (and i did write “to all the boys…”)

your words paint and their canvas is us because we can’t help but feel something written so beautifully

and i swear it is infinite, capturing the moments we wish we could pause.

we grasped hold of your oversharing and cried with you and overshared in return.

apparently love was ingrained in every word you wrote, and we fell in love with your words

i would read all your poems and put your melodies on repeat (i kinda already did…) so many people said you should be a celebrity and i think they’re right.

your 49 first date ideas should see the light!! (and 50 first dates is a fantastic movie)

i hope you’re taking Creative Writing 2 next semester because i can’t believe we’ve never been friends (i guess it’s down to both being quiet)

here’s a few more of my favorite sunsets, because the skies will live forever:

for me, it’s the beach sunsets, always.

(for me, it’s the beach)

i might be as in love with the death of the sun as you

with love, Chance Avenue

aka Abi

i’ve been trying to find the words to explain infinity

i’ve been waiting for inspiration for my goodbye post

a poetic way to let you all know how much it’s meant to me, how i picked up the habit of checking my reader faster than maybe any other habit ever, how i smiled harder at your comments than probably anything else this school year (at least since being unable to hang out with people)

how this was maybe the only replacement, because it was a community in and of itself.

but i’ve also been having a hard time keeping up with the blogs because my app somehow deleted itself.

anyway.

i think my dad is judging me for sitting here trying to catch up on blogs all day long, but i don’t care.

I finally asked all my teachers for my letters of recommendations, and I’m done with everything that’s due today. the term is nearly over. I’m so close. Just 2 tests left, and they’re not due yet. so I’m rewarding myself with something that actually feels relevant right now. Matters to me.

I have three weeks to write the rest of my college essays, I think I can afford an afternoon off to read blogs and work on my white elephant gift (coming soon–hopefully lol)

So I still haven’t found the words to explain.

I’ll just let you all know: i’ve been so incredibly happy for every comment and like, it’s ridiculous. Every time i see someone’s mentioned my music taste, I die a little in a good way. I’m so happy to share music!! None of my friends or siblings at home really share my taste haha.

I’m so glad I’m taking Creative Writing 2, but I know I’ll truly miss the blogs. And I hope we’ll continue, but at the same time I’ve already written it off a little bit in the hopes of being practical (that’s what i do sometimes… it’s what almost made me not apply to the 2 colleges i asked for recommendation letters for today…)

I mean, you can see what’s already happened after the reveals.

But I really do hope/wish that some of us could be friends in real life, too! It’s hard because of COVID. But I’m hoping, sometime, maybe, my parents will decide that i can hang out with people with masks on because it’s the same risk as school (probably less… anyway i asked like a week ago and i don’t think they’ve decided??)

So, if you’re still here, you’re a real one, and if you ever wanna be friends or want a music recommendation or if you need homework help (lol but i’ll go for any human interaction, i can do my best and i’ve taken most classes except AP Lit and any language but Spanish), here’s my number: 801-717-7608

Currently listening to (it's way too much but that's alright):

general:
Time, CHANGE, READY, and "Put It All on Me" by Ella Mai

fun: 
"Juke Jam" and "No Problem" Chance the Rapper
"What It Is" KYLE, Chris Brown
"Go Crazy", "Heat", "No Guidance", "Juice" Chris Brown
"Slide" H.E.R.
"Bouncin"- Kiana Lede
"Missin You Crazy" Russ
"ATM" J. Cole
"Come Thru" Summer Walker, Usher
"3005", "I. The Worst Guys", "III. Telegraph Ave. (Oakland)", "IV. Sweatpants" Childish Gambino (I love rapping the verses ngl)

more serious/angry/rap:
"i miss the old u", "do re mi", "hot girl bummer" blackbear
"Bonfire" Childish Gambino
"MIDDLE CHILD", "Deja Vu", "Neighbors", "4 Your Eyez Only", "Apparently" J. Cole 

chill r&b (also cleaner):
"Take You Back" Russ, Kehlani
"Morning" Marc E. Bassy
"Made Love First" Marc E. Bassy, Kehlani
"17", "Body Ain't Me", and "Coke and Henny" Pink Sweat$
"Always Forever" Bryson Tiller
"Get You", "Japanese Denim" Daniel Caesar
"Redbone", "Sober", "Pop Thieves" Childish Gambino
"EX" Kiana Lede

the end of the year brings gifts even when we can’t meet

She drops them off at our doorstep, just the way we dropped off posters and a puzzle to our families for Thanksgiving

This year, she brought Spotify Wrapped and gingerbread houses and a live tree from my cousins’ tree delivery business. 

Spotify Wrapped, as always, one of my favorite traditions. (I listened to 555 new artists this year, in my 59,704 minutes of listening.) 

And I’ve never made a gingerbread house before, but all of the sudden our whole family is making dough and we’re going to send pictures and see what everyone does over the next three weeks. 

I’ve never made gingerbread houses before, but I’m bored and ready for distraction and like designing things, and this makes me ambitious. 

I’ve built a model out of manila folders and I’m making my own template… it’s a modern gingerbread house. 

And the Christmas tree is almost touching the ceiling in our piano room, its scent filling our house. 

Even though we haven’t decorated it, lit it up like magic yet, I love it. 

And all these gifts almost shake the cobwebs from my heart. 

They do elicit a creaking smile. Many, actually, and some laughs. 

Just overlook the somber lack of relatives and the cancellation of our once-in-a-lifetime vacation with our cousins. 

It’s okay. You can’t change it. I can’t, either. 

I’m taking the smiles as I can, savoring them with my gingerbread cookies ❤️ 

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My smile needs a tune-up while my heart is collecting dust

Sometimes, now that I sit alone in my house, it feels like my heart is rusting from lack of use. 

So full of love for everyone

But how can you love anyone you can’t see, can’t spend time with?

The things I’m in love with—the ones that aren’t gone—I have little or no motivation to do because

The less I do, the less motivation I have

The fewer people I see, the more normal it becomes for me to sit and do nothing, think nothing, feel nothing

And when I do see people, I don’t have anything to talk about. 

I miss how productive I was when I was busier than some people thought possible. Yet still I accomplished everything I am now—more, actually—even with the additional practices and school hours, and another sport, and two more AP classes thrown in. 

My heart is growing cobwebs where travel and friends used to reside, and emptiness sits in the indentations motivation and a packed schedule left when they absconded together. 

I’m incredibly grateful for the things I do have. I know I am amazingly fortunate… I have a loving family and no lack of food, a shelter with heating and plenty of clothes. I don’t know anyone who died from coronavirus, and our finances aren’t in peril. 

But my heart is growing cobwebs and my eyes don’t grin so much anymore. The smile that used to be almost my resting face now creaks. 

My heart

My heart

It’s so full

But it’s useless clutter, memorabilia from what feels like decades ago, but might have been this March

My heart 

My heart

is growing cobwebs and rusting, my smile and happiness and motivation too

I’m hoping for a spring cleaning. 

putting my mask back on

Chance Avenue might have been a mask, but it also let me be more me than my real name ever has.

Sometimes I feel pressured to fit the person I appear to be—the smart girl who cares about her grades and her relationships with people, responsible and always happy. Maybe you think I’m funny or sarcastic.

And those things are mostly true.

But of course there’s more to me, times when I don’t want to care and sometimes I let myself.

Let myself not care if I look stupid or whatever.

Truly, it’s been a pleasure to take off my masks, to strip myself down to blood, to muscle, all the way down to bone, and say everything I’ve never said to all of you. And to read all the beautiful things you’ve written.

But I suppose now it’s time to put my mask of flesh back on so you can all see who I am.

For this… a final playlist.

Maybe you’ll get it, maybe you won’t. So here I am.

Going to this monkey sanctuary was lowkey one of the greatest days of my life—here is the cutest howler monkey, her name is Micah
First time scuba diving in the ocean… also last time so far *cries* I was supposed to go in June but… corona we love it
Sunsets are my favorite 😍 also paddle boarding/anything with water
I laugh at literally everything/nothing or at least I did junior year

So yeah that’s me:) oh, also…

Some random facts about me:

I’m a triplet haha

I’m a senior at Lone Peak and I have no clue what I’m doing after, really, I barely know where I’m applying although some of them are top schools

I just turned 17 cause I was born on thanksgiving:)

I was never a sixth grader

I have some random double jointed fingers

I want to go EVERYWHERE in the world!

Yeah that’s probably all my interesting facts haha

—Chance Avenue, aka Abilene Roberts

To all the boys I’ve loved before (jk I haven’t loved any guys outside of my family)

***all credit for this idea goes to the amazing Armando Perez I hope it’s okay that I’m stealing it***

*my version is probably dramatic and uncalled for but here it is nonetheless*

To the boy who stared at me every
class in sophomore year, stared at
my face for a full minute while I 
pretended not to notice, made eye 
contact with me every time we 
laughed, and looked at me and only 
me every time he spoke to a group 
with me in it but never really spoke 
a word to me (despite my best 
efforts): 

i don’t understand you. why did i 
like you for so long?

To the boy who calls me the wrong 
name on purpose and draws my
nickname out, looks back and grins
without a word of apology when we
bump into each other, always wanted
to show off his dive, and who once
called me “little miss Harvard”
(even though I can’t decide if I’m
even applying):

I want to see more of you in
general. I miss seeing you with
hybrid... I thought you liked me for
a tiny bit, but I don’t think so
anymore. I can’t decide.

To the boy who gave me side hugs 
every time we talked and walked
through the halls:

thank you. i needed that. i had the
tiniest crush on you even though you
probably just wanted your homework
help.

To the boy who gives me high fives 
and declares that he’s “feeling hugs
today” and actually has the best
hugs, who sought me out to wrap me
in one when I cried:

you’re too sweet and cute and I’m
scared of how adorable your love of
dinosaurs is to me because you’re
too perfect. You’re even tall???
How?? Someone please tell me why I’m
not into you. This world doesn’t
deserve you.

To the boy who gave random 
compliments even though we’d never
talked:

you made my day, even if you
probably don’t remember it.

To my first date: 

thanks for being so cool about going
to Sadie’s with a 15 year-old you
didn’t even know, despite being a
senior. You even insisted on paying
for dinner and gave me a piggyback
ride. You should be the reason I
still have hope in boys.

To the boy who called my *my 
brother’s name*’s sister:

I knew you before my brother did.
But okay.

To the boy who is my best guy friend: 

we should be closer than we are
after three years of friendship.

To the boy I dated for months who 
never straight-up said “i like you”
or made us official but told my best
friend he liked her over the phone
from thousands of miles away:

I don’t understand you either. You
made me happy, and then sad and
confused. Why did we waste so much
time doing and saying nothing much?
It’s like you directly compared me
and my best friend, and she won. I
just don’t understand you, but I am
sorry for being awkward (i don't
think that's strictly my fault, but
i'll apologize for any fault).

To the boy I teased about being 
short until he was taller than me:

I still can’t believe that you’re
tall. You’re pretty funny, so thanks
for being cool with it.

To the boy(s) who always make(s) me laugh: 

I appreciate you. For real.

To the boy who keeps our team spirit: 

you’re hilarious and i love that you
support everyone. You’re the
kindest. It’s too bad you’re shorter
than me haha

To all the boys: 

I don’t understand why our culture
has made such a big deal of asking
people out now. If my older sister
has anything to say for this post,
it’s that guys don’t ask girls out
in college either (and one she asked
out after he flirted with her blew
her off, so screw him). A date
shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it
feels. It’s just to get to know each
other better.

If you want to ask a girl out, don’t

be too afraid. I can’t promise for
everyone, but I would go out with
anyone, at least once (as long as I
know them in person—so there’s no
possible murder haha—and safety
permitting, during this pandemic;
mask required, sorry not sorry lol.)
I promise I am not snobby. Just a
bit shy. I need to be more brave
too.

Also, probably unwarranted and 
unwanted side note but whatever: I
most often literally just end up
being into whoever I pays me more
attention than most guys/is flirty
and I can’t decide whether it’s an
issue or just weird or a great way
to partially prevent disappointment
and rejection. haha.

Listening to: “Footsteps”–Kehlani, Musiq Soulchild

fears

This is way too deep but I just started writing and this is what happened when I thought about fears. And I don’t have enough energy/care enough to rewrite.

I’m scared that I’ll never reach my potential. But what’s more, I’m terrified that nothing will ever be enough for me. That I’ll never feel like I’ve reached that point of “fulfilling my potential.” I’m terrified of my pride, that everything I have isn’t enough, so will anything be enough? I used to be so happy with everything I had. Before people told me that I should want more. Before I thought that everyone thought I should do more. And somehow I caved to the pressure of wanting everyone to be proud of me enough that I started simultaneously being so proud of myself and thinking that I deserved more, and feeling like I wasn’t worth anything and it depended on what everyone else thought—if I’d fulfilled my potential—and started wanting more for myself, deciding that what I had wasn’t enough. So I’m scared that if I stay, it will never be enough.

I’m terrified that if I go I won’t have enough. Or that my parents won’t be as proud of me. Who could be as perfect as the one who went BYU, which in their minds in more prestigious than any Ivy League?

I’m afraid of gaining weight, if not being happy with myself.

I’m afraid of you all knowing who I am, knowing me, because I don’t share with people.

I’m afraid of getting phone numbers, asking guys out on dates, and telling people how I feel.

I’m afraid of my own emotions. When I’m sad or afraid or feeling any other emotion that makes me uncomfortable (most of them lmao), I mask it and tell a joke or laugh.

I’m afraid of telling people anything. As if my invulnerability is my greatest value, as if I’m only my friends’ rock and I cannot show emotion. But I’m terrified also of being seen as someone with no emotion, someone people treat like she can’t be hurt because she never shows it. I’m afraid of these walls of privacy i erect because telling anyone is uncomfortable and awkward. It doesn’t have to be. I’ve made it this way at some point…

I’m afraid of how this pandemic has so quickly and thoroughly changed me… turning me into a girl with greasy hair who sits on the couch for hours doing her homework but not really doing her homework, scared that I’ll never get back to the busy, productive girl who always had time for everything even when people thought it was impossible.

I’m just scared. I’m so scared of every part of my life and so much of it is so irrational. Like talking to people?? Why am I so scared when I should know that they won’t think I’m weird? Sometimes I’m even scared about wearing a certain outfit for the first time. Like really?? Who cares? They’re not even going to notice. And I’m so irrational. But I can’t help it.

“Pretty Little Fears”—6LACK

Side note: Is the opposite of fear love or gratitude?

The song I wanted to be today’s song because it’s so fun but it doesn’t match this at all because this post went depressing and deep:

“Girlfriend”—Charlie Puth

Most blogs are like a life journal?

Mine definitely is a journal of my emotions (sorry for dumping that on all of you) but I’ve never just shown you what I did that day.

So I guess here’s another #different post… here’s what I did today (because I didn’t have school with hybrid). Some people are gonna know who I am from this but it’s cool 😂 I’ve only got a week of anonymity left anyway.

I’ve also only shown you guys things I don’t usually do in art… skeletons and acrylic pour paintings. This is more my normal speed.

There’s three clips because I couldn’t see the picture if I was videoing 😦 and I’ve got the final picture and the picture I drew from. You can look at them all or just glance for two seconds, I don’t know what you guys are gonna do. This is kinda just journaling this for me. It took at least four hours. I just drew in my pajamas and listened to my music.

Finished!
Source picture

R&B breakup vibes

Not that I’m actually going through a breakup right now (if anyone is, this one’s for you)… but, y’know, it’s a vibe. Also most these songs talk about self-love and care too sooo

“Lucid Dreams”—Juice WRLD

“Single Again”—Big Sean

“None of Your Concern”—Jhene Aiko, Big Sean

“Second Chances”—Kiana Lede, 6LACK

“Nunya”—Kehlani, Dom Kennedy

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